Weblog
Friday, 16 May 2008
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He leaves soon and I can be okay with this. If he stayed, it would be too easy to focus my life on him and not my God. And likewise with him. I want God's sovereignty in my life. He is my King. 2007 held so much for me. August was absolutely overwhelming. It took myself death to understand life, it took an earthquake to understand restoration. I am grateful for everything. All of it is a testimony that will hopefully speak to others. This is a testimony. All of my thoughts--no matter how selfish, selfless, cruel, loving, or confused they may be--are my life. And life is beautiful. And I'm beautiful. And the people in my life are beautiful. And I'm happy.
I have my God and he is the sole governor of my life. He has orchestrated each meeting, reunion, and new day of my life. He has hand chosen who I will meet, who I will not meet, and who I will change. He has proven His power, His might, and His compassion. He is constantly forgiving, constantly bestowing grace on me, and always waiting. He is patient, He is calm. He is ready. He is in love with me in a way I could only hope to understand. He is the one and ONLY CONSTANT in my life. He is never changing. Unlike me, he is never, ever changing. And I love, because He loved me first.
Thursday, 15 May 2008
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I leave for Russia soon.
We should all drive to the middle of no where and blast this sound as loud as we can.
click to listen.
***
He was playing when I slipped in the door. He looked over at me, his harmonica on his lips, despite the crowds of people, he smiled with his eyes and I smiled with my mouth, looking nervously down at my feet. "Better" always takes the shape of a beautiful, sad eyed boy with nice teeth who gives me enough attention to sit waiting in a parking lot, but not enough to keep from slamming my fist to the ceiling.
And it all hurts because as soon as I get attached boys dance right out of my life. One to San Francisco, one to Costa Rica, one to Oklahoma ... The list goes on as they come and go, come and go. And me, the girl who needs to be held and touched to know she is loved fell for every single boy who couldn't do that.
So I'm just going to sit holed up in my room pouting while reading Proust.
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
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Today I miss him so, so, so much. And I know I’m not writing about the times I am seeing him, but sometimes it’s just hard not to remember. We went to see a movie and Mikey D. and Jenny were there too and he got his hair cut and he smelled so nice and it was so late and nobody knew I was with him. And sometimes he would look over at me and sometimes I would pretend I didn’t notice. But sometimes I would look back and his light blue eyes looked so glossy with the big screen lighting them up. And God, there was his skin and his hair and his rugged beard and I just wanted him to want me again. He walked me to my car and it was very, very cold outside and I was shivering in my little black sweater. He hugged me and it was really the first time we made any contact the whole night. And I pressed my face against his and I shivered and shook and I never wanted him to let go. He did.
He needs to miss me better and harder.
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- Member Since: 5/14/2008
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